I'm Not Here, This is Not Happening
by Kairi017
Summary: B/J What if prom night happen a little differently? Warnings: Major character death


Justin held onto Brian's bloody hand as they wheeled him through the hospital corridors. He hadn't regained consciousness but that didn't necessarily mean anything, Justin told himself. He tried not to look at Brian's face; his beautiful face. It was still beautiful, even under the blood, the cuts and the bruises. Brain would be ok…and he'd heal. One day, very soon, he'd be standing in front of the bathroom mirror bitching about 'twats' and scars on his perfect face. Justin decided right then and there that he'd love Brian even if he did have scars on his face.

"You'll have to wait here, Sir," Justin was told by the man pushing the gurney.

Wait here, right. I'll wait right here and very soon they'll come out and tell me that everything will be ok. I just have to wait right here, Justin thought as he slid to the ground outside the double doors that they'd taken Brian through.

He sat there for some time looking at the white scarf in his hands. It really had suited Brian well; he was going to be very upset that it was all stained with red now. Justin crumpled it up in his hands and buried his face in the soft material, trying to smell Brian. He'd smelled so wonderful earlier that evening when they danced. But there was no trace of that wonderful smell left on the scarf, there was only the coppery scent of blood. Justin pulled the scarf away from his face before the smell made him vomit.

I should call someone, Justin thought some time later. Yeah, someone needed to be notified. When Brian woke up he was going to want everyone there to dote on him and lavish him with attention. I need to call everyone and tell them to bring flowers, that way when Brian wakes up he'll know that we all love him, Justin decided.

But the doctor told me to stay here, another part of his brain reminded him. Yes, I need to stay right here until they come and tell me that he's ok; there's no sense in worrying everyone else when there really isn't anything to worry about anyway. He's going to be ok and as soon as they tell me that and I've seen him _then_ I'll call everyone and tell them to come and bring flowers, Justin decided.

So he sat, right where they told him to, and he waited. He held the scarf in his hands so tightly that his knuckles turned white. It made him feel somehow closer to Brian.

Some time later the doctor came out with a large smile on his face.

"Mr. Taylor!" he said in a pleasant voice.

Justin stood up and shook the doctors' hand. "Yeah, that's me."

"Well then, you better get in there, Brian's awake and he's very impatiently waiting to see you," the doctor said, grinning.

_Wait, this doesn't seem right, he doesn't even care that we're gay_, Justin thought to himself. _Oh well, who cares, so the doctor's a liberal. All that matters is that Brian is ok, and he loves me, and now we're going to be together_.

Justin grinned and waited for the doctor to take him through the doors to see Brian. But somewhere, far away he heard someone saying his name. It almost sounded like Debbie but that was impossible, because he hadn't called anyone yet; he was waiting where the doctor told him to. He tried to shut the voice out and concentrate on getting to Brian, but the doctor didn't seem like he was in any hurry to tell Justin where he was…and the voice was becoming more and more insistent.

"Sunshine, baby please," Debbie said taking the boys head in her hands and tilting his face up to the light. The vacant eyes stared right through her and she shuddered.

"Please, look at me, I'm right here, I'm right in front of you," she said.

Justin's eyes slowly came into focus. What the hell am I doing back on the ground, he wondered. Maybe I fainted after they told me the good news. Yeah that must be it. But as Justin looked around at Debbie and the hallway and the scarf still clutched in his hands, he realized that that wasn't it at all.

"They tell me that there's still no word," Debbie said. "Come on now, let's get you up off this floor ok?" she said trying to smile.

Justin allowed himself to be pulled up off the floor before he realized that the doctor had told him to stay there.

"No, I can't, I have to stay here, right here, I have to stay here so the doctor will come, if I'm not here he won't come," Justin said in a matter of fact voice.

Debbie looked at him worriedly before nodding.

"Ok, you just stay there," she said gently, as she helped him sit back down on the floor.

"Yeah, I'll stay and I'll wait and then the doctor's going to come," Justin said nodding.

Debbie returned the nod and smiled wanly, before turning on her heel and marching over to the nurses' station.

Justin could faintly hear her yelling at the nurses and anyone else within vocal range. She was yelling something about 'incompetence' and 'shock'. It vaguely registered with Justin that he should be able to hear her and make out what she was saying much more clearly, seeing as how she was yelling and only standing a few feet away.

He decided not to try and figure that out right now. After all he didn't really care _what_ Deb was screaming about. All he cared about was getting through those doors to see Brian.

* * *

_"You can dance, every dance with the guy who gives you the eye," Brian sang, laughing as he spun Justin around in the parking garage._

_"But darling, save the last dance for me," Justin sang back, also giggling._

_The two danced over to the jeep and came to a stop against the side of it._

_"I think we gave them a prom to remember," Brian said, with a tongue in cheek smirk._

_"Me too! God Brian, this is the best night of my life," Justin replied with a grin so wide it looked as though his whole face might split in two at any second._

_"Even if it was ridiculously romantic," Brian said, with a grin._

_Brian leaned in to kiss him deeply. After a moment he pulled back and looked into Justin's eyes. What Justin saw in the older mans eyes shocked him; there was emotion there, maybe even a hint of love._

_Justin kissed him again and when they broke apart they were both a bit breathless._

_"What do you say you come back to the loft and I can take your innocence?" Brian said, playing with the lapel of Justin's jacket and wagging his eyebrows suggestively._

_"You already took my innocence, and I need to take Daphne home, but after that…" Justin let his voice trail off. The grin on his face conveyed the rest of the sentence for him perfectly._

_Brian heaved a very dramatic sigh but then grinned and said, "Later."_

_Justin was still grinning after he said 'later' and had turned to walk back into the building. He was walking back, half skipping actually, with the scarf around his neck humming the song they'd danced to when he heard Brian's terrified voice._

_"Justin!" he shrieked. There was no other word to describe the sound that came from Brian's mouth, it was undeniably a shriek and it sounded so out of place coming out Brian's mouth that it took Justin a second to react._

_He turned just in time to see Hobbs behind him with a bat. Hobbs turned at Brian's voice as well and he took a hard swing at the man's face. The bat hit the side of Brian's head with a sickening thud. Brian was spun around by the force of the bat before he dropped to the ground face first, at an unnatural angle._

_Hobbs hit him again in the back of the head and then dropped the bat and turned to run. Justin just stood there for a second before sprinting over to Brian's crumpled form. He gathered Brian's head in his lap before he remembered that you're not supposed to move an injured person for fear of neck injuries._

_Brian's face was covered with blood. Justin removed the scarf from around Brian's neck, pressing it to his head to try and stop the bleeding all the while chanting 'Oh God no.' Over and over again. After a few moments that felt like hours he remembered that Brian always has a cell phone and he fished it out of the still mans jacket to dial the number. 9-1-1._

_The ambulance came quickly, and soon Justin was sitting in the back-holding Brian's hand; his right hand. Justin could see his cowry shell bracelet peeking out from under his shirt cuff and he concentrated on that instead of on Brian and the reality of the situation.  
_

* * *

When Justin came to again he was lying on a hospital bed, Debbie and his mother were at his side.

"Where is he?" Justin demanded. He sat up, his head swam and his stomach lurched but he pushed away the dizzying nausea and stood up.

"I need to see Brian, is he in surgery? What's going on?" Justin demanded loudly.

Ted and Emmett came in the room then.

"You need to sit down baby," Jennifer said.

"I _need_ to see Brian," Justin said.

Debbie turned away from Justin in her chair and buried her face in Emmett's waist, the man put his arms around her.

"We need to talk to you and you need to be really calm for us, ok baby?" Jennifer said.

"Fuck calm and fuck sitting down, I want to see him _now_," Justin said.

"Oh, Sunshine," Debbie said shaking her head sadly.

"What?" Justin asked, now focusing his attention on Debbie. She would understand, she'd tell him what was going on.

"He's gone, sweetheart," Debbie said.

"He-he's what?" Justin asked.

"Brian's dead, baby," Emmett said gently.

"No, Brian can't be dead. He wouldn't do that, he wouldn't die," Justin said, shaking his head and backing away from the other people in the room.

"Oh, baby," Emmett said, walking to Justin and putting his arms around him.

Justin allowed himself to be comforted for a moment before pulling away. He noticed the scarf lying on a table near his bed and he scooped it into his hands.

"I need to see him," Justin said.

"That's not a good idea," Jennifer said promptly.

"You know what, I don't give a fuck if it's a good idea or not, I need to see him," Justin repeated, this time looking at Debbie.

"Of course you do, Sunshine," Debbie said, standing up and holding one arm out. Justin walked over to her and allowed the redhead to wrap her arm around him and lead him out of the room.

A young woman from the nurses' station came over as Debbie and Justin exited the room.

"How are you feeling? You really shouldn't be up," the nurse said.

"He, uh, he needs to see him," Debbie told the nurse in a quiet voice.

The nurse pursed her lips and nodded. "Right this way," she said, leading them to a room through the double doors.

Justin stood outside the room for a long moment.

"Do you want me to…?"

Justin cut Deb off, "No, I need to go in alone."

Justin took a deep breath and turned the handle.

He walked into the too white, too sterile room and instantly decided that Brian would hate being there. He'd only ever really been in a hospital with Brian once before and he hadn't minded it then but Justin was sure Brian would hate this room and the thought he was the figure lying so still on the table made him feel a little sick.

His mind briefly flashed back to the night of Gus' birth. In his mind he saw himself, Brian and Michael running through the halls like fools. There wouldn't be anymore happy times like that.

Justin approached the table slowly, trying not to look at Brian but knowing that he had to. He had to see him, to make sure for himself. When he finally made it to the table and looked down, Brian looked like he was sleeping, only not. Justin had spent many hours watching the older man sleep and never was he this still.

That was what convinced him that Brian was gone; not his family telling him, or the nurse implying it; not checking his pulse for himself or feeling for Brian's breath with his hand. It was the unnatural stillness. Brian could never keep still, not even in his sleep. His face was always full of so much personality and his body full of so much energy and power.

Justin gingerly reached out and took hold of Brian's hand. He noted that they'd left his bracelet on and he ran a finger over the shells. He'd done that so many times over the past few months. He had laid in bed with Brian's arm slung over him and held that hand; played with the shells on this bracelet.

"Oh God, Brian," Justin sobbed dropping his head onto the bed next to the still figure that used to be his lover.

Justin cried quietly for a little while, holding onto Brian's hand and subconsciously rubbing it, hopping to somehow infuse some life back into him that way.

"What am I going to do without you?" Justin asked. "It should've been me you know. This is all my fault and I'm so sorry. God Brian I am so, so sorry. I was such a twat, I should've gone home with you, and I shouldn't have pissed him off, Brian. I should never have asked you to come to my prom, I'm so, so sorry," Justin sobbed.

Justin looked up at Brian's still face. It was still covered in bruises but the cuts had all been sewn up and the blood cleaned off. Justin let his fingers flit gingerly over Brian's face, carefully avoiding the cuts.

"I'm so sorry, Brian," Justin whispered. "I'm going to take this, I hope its ok, I don't know what'll happen to it if I leave it with you so I'm just going to take it and keep it safe for you." He carefully turned Brian's wrist over and untied the bracelet.

"I love you," Justin whispered as he leaned to place a soft kiss on Brian's lips.

* * *

Justin spent the next few days at Brian's loft with Emmett. They wouldn't let him be alone and he wouldn't leave the loft. The day of the funeral loomed cool and grey with a threat of rain in the clouds.

The small group of family gathered around Brian's grave. Brian's grave…Justin mulled those words over in his head but no matter how many times he said them to himself they just wouldn't sound right. He barely registered the priest's words. He just stood there between Emmett and Debbie fingering the shells on the bracelet now adorning his wrist.

Finally the service was over. Emmett tried to steer him away from the cemetery.

"I can't, I need some time, ok, please?" Justin said.

"Well, I don't know baby," Emmett said.

"Please, I need to be alone, you go home and take a shower, change your clothes," Justin said.

"Are you sure?" Emmett asked.

"Positive, please Em. Just give me a couple of hours," Justin said.

"Ok," Emmett said, "I'll be over in a little while."

Justin watched the men fill in Brian's grave. He was shocked at how quickly it went. He'd always thought it would take so much longer than that to fill up a grave, to cover a life as vibrant as Brian's. When they were finished they gave Justin a courteous nod and left.

Justin walked over and sat down on the mound of dirt that was now covering Brian. There was no tombstone, not yet. It had been ordered, though Justin couldn't seem to remember what it was going to say.

A short while later he found himself lying on top of the mound of dirt and heard Brian's voice in his head, 'What the fuck are you doing on the ground in that good suit? Get up you twat!' Justin realized that lying on the ground on the cemetery probably wasn't the best idea so he got up and, throwing a mournful look back at the grave, started to walk back to the loft.

When he got there and slid the key in the lock he realized that he was alone. For the first time in days he was finally alone, alone with his pain. Suddenly it hurt so badly that he felt an actual pain shoot through his chest. It was then that he realized there were tears coursing down his face.

He walked into the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face and that was when he looked into his own face for the first time since before he went to prom. He almost didn't recognize the person in the mirror staring back at him. Dark circles under his eyes, mouth drawn and tight. He could swear there were small lines around his eyes and mouth that hadn't been there just a week ago.

This wasn't his face. His face, his smile, was one that prompted people to call him 'Sunshine'. He'd never before realized that he got that nickname after meeting Brian. Then he looked into his own eyes and realized that Brian was the Sunshine, not him. His eyes looked dead and all he could think about was sleeping. He hadn't slept in days.

There was a bottle of Brian's sleeping pills in the cabinet and Justin took it out and looked at it. He walked to the kitchen and retrieved a bottle of water from the refrigerator. He remembered the first time he'd come to the loft; Brian reaching down to pull out a bottle of water and then pouring it down over his head. It had been the sexiest thing Justin had ever seen.

The memory made Justin's chest ache even more, and he retreated to the bedroom. There were pictures of Brian spread out on top of the duvet; drawings that Justin had made and photographs that had been snapped by others over the years.

Justin sat heavily on the edge of the bed and the pill bottle fell out of his hand, it rolled under the bad and when he got down on his knees to get it he discovered something. There, under Brian's side of the bed was that picture, the first one he ever sold at a show, the one of Brian sleeping. Brian had been the one to pay $500 for it.

Justin sat on the floor and stared at that picture for a long moment, the pain in his chest intensifying with every breath until Justin didn't think he could breathe any longer. He crawled back onto the bed and opened the pill bottle. He meant to dump out only two pills but 10 spilled out into his hand.

Justin gazed down at them and briefly wondered if they would be enough to allow him to join Brian. He looked down at the drawing and popped the pills in his mouth swallowing them down with a swig of water. That probably wouldn't be enough, Justin decided as he emptied the other 12 into his hand and swallowed those as well.

He lay back and clutched the picture to his chest waiting for the pain to stop. Before long it did and he could breathe again. He rolled over and his head felt weird; it felt too heavy and his vision seemed to be swimming. He picked up a pencil off the nearby nightstand and across one of the drawings nearby he scrawled some words.

"Ok, baby, Auntie Em's here and I brought you some food, you need to keep up your strength," Emmett called out.

"Where is he?" Michael asked.

"Bedroom probably," Ted said as they started across the loft.

Emmett walked over to Justin who was lying curled around Brian's pillow surrounded by pictures.

"This isn't good for him," Ted whispered to Michael who nodded his consent.

"Come on baby, get up," Emmett said shaking Justin lightly.

When Justin didn't respond Emmett shook him a bit harder and then he noticed the pill bottle next to Justin.

"Oh God no," Emmett whispered as he pulled Justin onto his back feeling frantically for a pulse.

"Em, what is it?" Ted asked anxiously.

Emmett looked up at Ted with tears streaming down his face. "I shouldn't have left him, Teddy."

"What are you…"

Emmett stopped him by holding up the empty pill bottle.

"He's not…"Ted asked.

Emmett nodded, "There's no pulse, call 911."

Michael glanced around the room, he couldn't stand to look at Justin and then his eyes fell on something. There was a drawing of them; Brian and Justin. Brian had his arm around Justin's neck and Justin's arms were wrapped firmly around Brain's waist. They were both smiling in the picture, holding onto one another like two people who were very much in love. Michael recognized it; he had taken the picture that the drawing had been made from.

But what drew Michael's attention wasn't the picture itself; it was the words scrawled shrewdly across the bottom.

_I want to be with him. Don't cry for me because I'm not crying anymore, as long as I'm with him I'm happy. Whatever else I did in my life, I loved him. –J_


End file.
